Regular Insults

Every enemy I have met, I’ve annihilated.
With your breath, I’m sure they all suffocated.

You’re as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee.
I look that much like your fiancee?

Killing you would be justifiable homicide.
Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.

You’re the ugliest monster ever created.
If you don’t count all the ones you’ve dated.

I’ll skewer you like a sow at a buffet.
When I’m done with you, you’ll be a boneless filet.

Would you like to be buried or cremated?
With you around, I’d rather be fumigated.

Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified.
Is that your face? I thought it was your backside.

When your father first saw you, he must have been mortified.
At least mine can be identified.

You can’t match my witty repartee.
I could, if you would use some breath spray.

I have never seen such clumsy swordplay.
You would have, but you were always running away.

En Garde!  Touche!
Oh, that is so cliche.

Throughout the Caribbean, my great deeds are celebrated.
Too bad they’re all fabricated.

I can’t rest ‘til you’ve been exterminated.
Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.

I’ll leave you devastated, mutilated, and peforated.
Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated and infuriated.

Heaven preseve me! You look like something that’s died!
The only way you’ll be preserved is in formaldehyde.

I’ll hound you night and day.
Then be a good dog.  Sit!  Stay!

Captain Rottingham’s Insults

My attacks have left entire islands depopulated.
With your breath, I’m sure they all suffocated.

You have the sex appeal of a shar-pei.
I look that much like your fiancee?

Your looks would make pigs nauseated.
If you don’t count all the ones you dated.

Nothing can stop me from blowing you away.
I could, if you would use some breath spray.

I have never lost a melee.
You would have, but you were always running away.

When I’m done, your body will be rotted and putrfied.
Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.

You’ll find I’m dogged and relentess to my prey.
Then be a good dog.  Sit!  Stay!

My skills with a sword are highly venerated.
Too bad they’re all fabricated.

Never before have I faced someone so sissified.
Is that your face? I thought it was your backside.

I can’t tell which of my traits have you the most intimidated.
Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated and infuriated.

Your lips look like they belong on the catch of the day.
When I’m done with you, you’ll be a boneless filet.

Your stench would make an outhouse cleaner irritated.
Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.

Your mother wears a toupee.
Oh, that is so cliche.